That Time Phineas Didn’t Crack the Top 50

Here’s what I am going to do.

I’m going to go to my news app and scroll until I start seeing stories that aren’t about politics or the pandemic.

Standby. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.

Okay, I’m back, and I can report the first 25 stories were about the two aforementioned subjects.

But coming in at No. 26 is a piece about Kremlin critic and activist Alexy Navalny being detained following a Russian court hearing following his arrest over the weekend.

You may recall that Navalny was poisoned 5 months ago, and it is widely speculated that the Kremlin was behind it.

Navalny urged his supporters to take to the streets to protest his detention.

That sounds like something which could only happen here.

Hot on the heels of the Navalny story was an article about the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. That seems fitting, since I’m writing this on MLK day. 

But you would think this would at least crack the top 25.

I have to admit I learned more about MLK from listening to U2 songs than I was taught in school. At the time, I didn’t realize the significance of that — much less the irony.

Here are three MLK quotes I wasn’t familiar with. May they inspire you.

• “Science investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge, which is power; religion gives man wisdom, which is control. Science deals mainly with facts; religion deals mainly with values. The two are not rivals.”

• “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”

• “That old law about ‘an eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing.”

I read dozens before picking those three. And many of his words are more timely today than they were more than 50 years ago.

Stories 30 through 32 were about MLK as well.

Then the scrolling started again until I got to story No. 52.

And it is a doozie, folks.

Hold on to your hats, because we now know the name of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s baby.

Phineas. You’re welcome.

I don’t know much about Jessica or Justin. I didn’t even know they were an item. I guess that’s because I rarely scroll through 51 news stories before moving on to something else.

Justin is from Memphis, that much I know. And I recall enjoying his Super Bowl performance a few years ago.

The only thing I know about Jessica is that she starred in a series called “The Sinner,” which we watched on Netflix.

I wonder if they have a celebrity couple name like Brangelina, which the media hung on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

We could call them either Justica or Jessitin.

Personally, I like Justica better. Jessitin sounds like a cream a doctor would give someone to put on a rash.

I look forward to a day — and hopefully it’s on the horizon — where we get back to something resembling normal, and we don’t have to pick up the paper with one eye closed for fear of what we’re going to see.

In the meantime, though. Keep scrolling. Back there on page 73 you’ll find something fresh to read.

And if that rash comes back, ask your doctor if Jessitin is right for you.